Painting Clouds and Painted Gods
by Tsubaki Star
Summary: Ace awoke in utter darkness. A complete blackness where nothing save for him existed. But it is also in that emptiness that a single light shone, a window into the world outside. A glimpse into the life he had been forced to leave behind. [Post-Marineford] [Semi-A/U] [Slight Marco x Ace]


**A/N:** Focus is on Ace, and Marco, but other characters get mentioned as well. Post Marineford, somewhat A/U since we still haven't seen the Whitebeard Pirates yet. I tried my best, but it still came out kind of OOC…

I claim ownership over nothing but the context of how this story came to be…

* * *

Ace woke up blanketed in darkness. There was no sound, no sight, the darkness was so complete that he couldn't even feel his own body. It was in that cloud of pitch-blackness that he drifted aimlessly, silent and unmoving. He made an attempt to look around, to access his surroundings and figure out where he was, but found that he had no control. The more he tried, the more confining the darkness became. There were no landmarks; there was nothing else in the space he occupied. He was wholly alone, trapped.

Struggling, he tried to ignite some of his fire, light to illuminate the place, but could not. His powers weren't working and with a sinking heart, realized the embers of his flames he had come to depend upon had been extinguished altogether. _That's right…_ he had lost to Teach, he had been consumed by the traitor's power. The power that was meant for his friend, the same power that drowned out his own. _That stole everything from me…_

Taking in a shuddering breath, he struggled anew. He would never give into the darkness. He wouldn't be eaten alive by it. Not after having finally crawled his way out of its depth. The haze that clouded his mind was lifting slowly as he began to remember and piece together the events that had taken place.

He had been captured by the traitor and imprisoned at Impel Down. His life never progressed the way he had wanted. It was as though fate had a personal grudge against him. He had hoped that Jinbei wouldn't put himself at risk, he had wished that Luffy coming to save him had been a lie, and he had prayed desperately that his crew would leave him to his death. But it had all happened and amidst that, he had felt something he never thought he would. _How ironic…_

The life that he had always felt was a mistake, he had fed the belief that everything would've been better if he had never been born. _How could I have wanted to live when everyone had wanted me to die?_ Amidst the chaos of the war as his brother and nakama tried desperately to save him, he had realized he wanted to live. And now that he was dead, they were nothing more than empty sacrifices. He didn't regret his decision, saving Luffy had been the most important decision he could have made and a sacrifice he would gladly make again and again. But it hadn't been just Whitebeard's crew, but all the captain and crews under him that risked their lives for his sake. All the men that had died in a wild bid to save him. They had sacrificed so much and all for nothing. Ace clenched painfully at his chest, his breath haggard and uneven. What he regretted was the nakama he had left behind… and the lover he had abandoned twice. _Marco…_

"…I'm sorry…"

He became nebulously aware that he was sinking further and further into the darkness. Dragged down by the chains of sorrow and despair that threatened to devour his very being once more. Ace was startled out of his reverie when he felt his feet come into contact with some solid surface beneath him. _So I really was sinking…_ He also found that he had control of his body again, if only barely. He still couldn't make out anything but the blackness all around, not even his fingers he held in front of his face.

After a few moments of attempting to maneuver his body without being able to see anything at all, a sudden light blinked into existence. He hesitated a moment, before making his way towards it. The strangeness of it didn't cross his mind at all. When he finally arrived in front of it, he found that the object was a large white sheet the size of a large mirror that hung suspended in the air. He circled it suspiciously. It was the same glowing white on the opposite surface and the sides were thin without any frame. Ace surveyed the darkness once more, but there was nothing else as far as he could tell.

He swallowed his disappointment at the true nature of the light before continuing on his way. He didn't get far before the same invisible force that kept him suspended in the darkness before pulled him in front of the glowing plane once more. Ace strained against the unseen force in an attempt to break free. His struggling was interrupted as the hazy whiteness faded and gave way to something else. Ace watched in utter horror at the scene that played out in front of him. The sounds and sights of the battlefield invaded his senses. Luffy being carried to relative safety by Jinbei, Marco and the Whitebeard Pirate's retreat, and Whitebeard himself staying behind and facing down the marines that threatened to destroy everything he had ever loved. He could do nothing to intervene as Whitebeard fell by traitorous hands. He could do nothing more than scream unheard as his power was stolen by Blackbeard.

What little solace he could take from the sick display he could not turn away from came in the form of Red Hair's appearance. The Yonko singlehandedly put an end to the war. His brother was safe with Jinbei and the tattered remains of the Whitebeard crew were able to safely retreat. He could do nothing but watch in morbid fascination as the Yonko and his crew buried his lifeless corpse beside his fallen captain's and erected two beautiful monuments.

_"Thank you." Marco spoke softly, barely above a whisper._

_ "It's nothing. Rivals or not, I truly respected him. Looked up to him even." Shanks replied with a sad smile. "If nothing else, know that you can trust me."_

_ The blond shot him a sideways glace and nodded. "I know."_

All the while, the two men stood gazing passively at the tombs in front of them. The rest of the Whitebeard crew stood to the sides, each mourning and fighting their own inner demons. Red Hair left soon after and returned to his crew waiting by the docks of the uninhabited island.

Ace had no way of knowing if everything he bore witness to was the reality or merely a figment of his most disturbed imagination. All he could be sure of was the ever-present darkness and the cold terror that cocooned him. When he was finally able to tear his eyes away from the display, he was horrified to see two more glowing windows a short distance away. He walked cautiously to the closer of the two, bracing himself for the potential horror he was about to subject himself to. _Not that it could be any worse than helplessly watching as his lover mourned his death…_

The window showed Luffy, having been treated by his savior and brought to an unfamiliar island. Ace felt his heart clench painfully at the sight, the boy had just regained consciousness and was causing a huge commotion. He saw the naked suffering etched into his brother's features as he struggled to cope with the reality of his death. He turned away from the window quickly, feeling sick to his stomach. _They're all suffering…_

At that point, he didn't want to know what the third window would depict, but found that he could not keep away. He was honestly surprised to see his grandfather on the screen. Garp was alone in a dark room, drink in one hand and a piece of paper in the other. Ace couldn't make out what it was, but it didn't matter. The look on the old man's face told him everything he ever needed to know, it was something he never expected from the man. Sadness, misery, pain, and regret brought on by his death. _No…_

"…I'm so sorry…"

Through those small glimpses into the outside world, he was able to watch the passage of time, the world that continued on without him. After the first three, more and more windows appeared in the darkness. The invisible presence had all but disappeared and Ace was free to wander amongst the vast number, each coming into focus only when he was near. Dadan, Makino, the people from Foosha Village, friends he had met in passing, his crewmates, people he never thought he missed. But more and more, he found himself drawn to the first window, the one that showed him the miserable state Marco was in.

It broke his heart to see his lover in this state. _No, former lover…_ Ace had been struggling with the whole letting go of the past since this whole thing started. _Former brother, former family, former crew, former lover, former life…_ It felt like it had been an eternity since he woke up in the stifling darkness. If this was what death felt like, it was worse than anything he had imagined. He sat down miserably with his back turned to it, it was night and the blond had finally fallen asleep at his desk after working himself to exhaustion. There wasn't anyone to tell him off and force him to bed. There wasn't anyone that could bring themselves to tell him not to bury himself in work in an effort to forget.

He hated that he didn't need sleep in this place, and really, could not fall asleep even if he wanted to. Not that it made much of a difference whether he slept or not, the reality of things didn't change. He listened sadly as the sound of rolling waves and the soft creaking of the ship reached his ears, they were all familiar sounds reminding him of the home he could no longer return to. Ace half turned and pawed at the window and watched sadly as his hand passed straight through, distorting the image until he removed it.

In the passing weeks, the Whitebeard Pirates had lost all but a few of their many islands and had been forced onto the defensive. Marco had been elected captain and a new flagship had been commissioned to commensurate the change. The relatively peaceful days on the ship passed by one after another, but that was merely a thin veil on the surface. He had seen the ugly reality of it all, the pain his nakama had been forced to live through, the burden the commanders had been forced to endure in silence, and more than anything else, the heartbreak and suffering their new captain had to hide from the world. The way Marco hid and guarded every emotion, every action, from all but a select number of close friends. Ace had cried when Marco cried, silent and unseen. He hated the way Marco had been forced to act, the blond's honesty and wonderfully open personality were what he loved the most in the other man. And now, because of him, those same qualities had to be locked away behind tightly guarded doors.

"Marco…" He whispered the name softly. Ace curled up tightly as tears welled up in his eyes, willing the aching in his heart to subside. After the initial shock of the whole situation, the severity of his predicament began to settle in.

He was completely alone, more so than he had ever been in his life and he was facing the crushing reality of his loneliness. Isolated, he was an unseen specter to the world that was all he had ever known. Unseen and unheard, he could do nothing more than spectate, his words remained inaudible, and his actions without witness. He had been reduced to a voyeuristic and unwelcome spectator.

And on top of everything, it felt more and more like he was being left behind by the world outside. _No, I've already been left behind…_ A new wave of self-pity flooded through him and he tore his eyes away from the uneventful screen. Construction on the new ship, the Mocha Dick, was almost finished and the crew docked on the island to await its' completion. On a more rational level, Ace knew he should be glad, but the lack of feeling in his very being coupled with the self-pity had him pining for distraction, any distraction.

Safe in the knowledge that nothing was going to happen, Ace took a final glace at Marco before going off to check on Luffy and perhaps a few others. He knew he wouldn't be gone long, he didn't have the heart for it, it would just be enough to take the edge off his endless spiral of self-loathing.

He grinned as he watched Luffy's training under Rayleigh. He had finally recovered and he was happy for him. His kid brother had grown stronger as a person and was now under the guidance of the Dark King. Ace knew Marco and more than likely, the rest of the crew, had no interest in One Piece so he could root for him wholeheartedly. Likewise, the rest of Luffy's crew had found formidable teachers and were developing their skills and abilities in preparation for entering the New World. He sighed softly. At least he could relax on that front, knowing that Luffy had a wonderful crew that would support him no matter what fate threw his way.

As he turned away from the last of Luffy's crewmembers, he contemplated going to see Garp again. He had been more than a little surprised when he learned that both his gramps and Sengoku had retired from their positions. And only slightly aggravated that Akainu had been promoted to the top. He had bore witness to that fight and had even cheered for Aokiji, if only to see Akainu's ego crushed. When Akainu won in the end, the rational and emotional halves of him were in direct contest once more. The emotional side had won at the time and he spent a good few hours fuming and raging, angry and unable to calm down. The duration of the fight was also the longest stretch of time he spent away from Marco's window and he had run straight back to the blond for comfort in the aftermath.

Ace was snapped back to his reality when he found himself in front of Garp's window. He almost laughed at the scene unfolded before his eyes. The old man, Dadan, and Woop Slap were having a heated argument over dinner arrangements directly outside of town with more than just a few curious bystanders around. Dadan had abandoned her position as a bandit when Garp set up headquarters in the small town and the Dadan Family were now employed as the town guards. He finally gave in and broke down in bouts of laughter when the argument turned physical. It was quite a sight to see a former vice admiral in a street brawl with a former mountain bandit and a town mayor.

It amazed him just how much more he learned about the people he met now than he ever did when he was alive. He had become privy from the most intimate to the most outrageous details of a person's life. Like how Garp would have never allowed that scene to take place if he knew Ace or Luffy had been watching. The irony wasn't lost on him. He was probably more in tune with the going ons of the world outside than the people who currently live in it. _Not like there's anything else to do in this place…_

The sun had set by the time he made his way back to Marco's window and he spent a good few minutes just gazing sadly at the blond. The emptiness of those once sparkling blue eyes were becoming more and more evident. And the way he worked himself, Ace was sure that if it weren't for his ability, he would've collapsed from exhaustion long ago. Marco was alone on the deck of one of their small ships watching the blackened sea. The rest of the crew appeared to be gone, partying on the island or resting below deck from what he could tell. He didn't particularly feel like leaving to check on any of the others just then.

_"Marco, how are you holding up?" Izou approached him slowly._

_ "Fine." Came the short reply from the blond._

_ "If you're fine, then start acting like it. If and when you're willing to admit that you're not okay, I'll be here for you." A pause. "We're all here for you you know, you're not alone."_

_ "…I know."_

_ "It's a huge responsibility we pushed you into… I'm sorry."_

_ "It's fine. I'm alright." Marco smiled, but it was empty, mirthless. Izou nodded curtly and left him alone on deck._

"No! He's not okay! He's not…!" Ace screamed angrily at the scene before him. All at once, he felt the frustration and tension boil over. He knew he wasn't being reasonable, but he hated that Izou simply left Marco after bringing up that topic. Marco had been that way ever since the funeral, simply going through the motions needed to keep the rest of the crew together. The blond had buried himself in work and drove out all semblances of feelings from his mind. To others, he might have looked like he was coping, but Ace knew better. He had watched as his lover cried himself to sleep at night. He had watched as the man screamed soundlessly and tore his own body apart to distract himself from the emotional pain. And then healed all the damage so no one else would see his suffering.

Ace had learned early on that the windows weren't tangible, but that didn't stop him from trying. They simply were, showing him, taunting him. He had on more than one occasion lunged at the damn things in fits of rage only to pass through to the other side. The distorted images mocking his attempts before reforming as though nothing had happened at all. It was driving him mad.

_This is what I get for acting on my own…_ He had nearly doomed everyone he loved and brought them nothing but pain and suffering. _A cursed existence, I'm just like my father…_ He laughed at the thought, bitter and resentful, and wondered idly if he had suffered the same in death. He turned away and curled up tightly in front of the window and allowed himself to wallow in self-pity once more.

A few months had passed since that night, the Whitebeard Pirates were ready to sail the New World once more, and with the addition of their new flagship. Mocha, as she had been nicknamed, bore more than a passing resemblance to the Moby Dick. She had been adorned with the same white whale figurehead, but the expression she wore mirrored Marco's trademark scowl. That was also where the similarities began and ended, the remainder of the ship was quite different, especially the inner layout. In the first few days with the new ship, Ace had gone from window to window, following each of his crewmates around as they accustomed themselves to their new ship. His excitement mirrored that of his crewmates' and he wanted to know where everything was and where everyone was staying.

Everything had been going smoothly for the crew despite the few skirmishes they had been dragged into. There were no shortages of idiots trying to make a quick name for themselves thinking that the Whitebeard Pirates would be helpless without their former captain. None of them had any idea how terrifying a pissed off Marco was, but word spreads fast on the sea.

Ace grinned, he was up for a change in scenery and was currently watching Rakuyo and Haruta. The two had taken up the roles of the mischievous troublemakers on the ship, terrorizing unsuspecting victims. Rakuyo had sometimes joined him and Tatch when they were setting up elaborate pranks for the other commanders to fall into. It definitely livened things up during the long stretches of time the crew spent on the open seas and gave everyone something to laugh about. Well, everyone except for the victims. But more often then not, they also got their revenge so everything worked out in the end and there were no hard feelings. The two were currently huddled together in a corner of the storage caller, a few pieces of paper passing between them.

_"I've agreed to a lot of things, but are you sure this is a good idea…?" Haruta stared at the piece of paper skeptically. "Izou is going to be so mad."_

_ Rakuyo's grin grew even wider. "That, is the point. Besides, you know it'll be worth it."_

_ Haruta sighed. "If we're going through with this, we'll need some help."_

_ "You reckon Blamenco would be interested?"_

_ "Dunno, but his ability would definitely help with moving things around inconspicuously. Can't say all that sneaking around is good for my heart…"_

Ace was practically giddy with anticipation as he watched the pair plan their newest prank. He hadn't gotten a good look at the papers, but that only added to his amusement. It would be a fun surprise and he had no intention of missing it.

He made his way back to Marco slowly as unwanted thoughts flitted through his mind. Everyone had adjusted to his death, and he had a front row seat to witness his extraneous existence. _They were doing fine without me before and they're doing fine without me now…_ He knew he should be happy that they were able to make peace with what had happened at Marineford and continue on with their lives. But he couldn't. The jealous, ugly, pitiful part of him couldn't. It broke his heart to see them suffer because of him, but at the same time, it gave him a sense of belonging. Even if it had been negligible, he had meant something to them. He had been a part of their lives and he had been needed. _But not anymore…_

Marco was coping much better these days aboard the new ship. Ace still bore witness to the moments of weakness, of anguish, but they had become less all consuming. The blond had changed since the clash at Marineford and Ace somehow doubted that he would ever return to being the same laid back and open individual he used to be. Not after the suffering he had been put through and the new responsibilities he had been saddled with.

It wasn't until the crew docked at their next island that Ace remembered the prank Rakuyo and Haruta had been planning. And Blamenco must have agreed to be a part of it seeing as there really would have been no other way for the duo to pull it off in the short amount of time between the ship docking and the groups getting ready to disembark. Izou has had a long-standing tradition of showering and prettying himself up before setting foot on dry land and this island had been no exception. Aside from the fact that he found his entire wardrobe replaced by the most outrageous assortment of goods. Ace burst out in laughter as various expressions passed over the commander's face. His options included such choice goods as full body leather tights, spiked shoulder pads, and metal studded boots among other equally interesting articles. The okama looked nothing short of murderous.

_"…Why are you dressed like th-?" Marco didn't even get a chance to finish his question as Izou pushed passed him in the halls. Dressed in metal studded breeches and chainmail with long hair flowing behind him for lack of choice._

_ "Rakuyo and Haruta. You have three seconds to tell me where they are." Izou gritted out through clenched teeth._

_ Understanding dawned on the captain's face. "On deck with their divisions. Although, I can't promise they'll still be there…"_

_ "Permission to murder them, captain?"_

_ "No." He sighed. "You're welcome to do anything short of that. So long as you keep it between the three of you."_

_ "Fine."_

Ace was still rolling around on the floor during the exchange and just barely able to pick himself up again when Izou burst onto the deck. The sunlight glittered off the chainmail and studs like a shimmering beacon and the man found himself the center of everyone's attention. Someone looked like they were about to make a smartass comment, but the look on the commander's face was more than enough to shut anyone up. A quick survey revealed that the pranksters weren't there and Izou simply returned below deck again.

The pair would have to return to the ship eventually and leaving a pissed off Izou with full, unguarded access to all their belongings wasn't the smartest move. Ace smirked as he recalled the first time he and Tatch had made the man a victim. Needless to say, it was also the last time they had targeted him. Even Marco wasn't as brutal in his retaliation and that had involved the pair of troublemakers being hung up like laundry on the main ropes more than eighty feet in the air. To be fair, that was also the first and last time they chose Marco as a target too. Ace chuckled softly at the memory. Well, at least Marco considered it even after one round of vengeance, Izou, not so much. _Good times…_

"Oh god…"

Ace couldn't keep the silly grin off his face as he watched Izou break his way into Rakuyo's room and taking stock of everything the poor man owned. He didn't know what the okama was planning and frankly, didn't want to know. He sent up a silent prayer for the pair of pranksters before moving on to check out the island through the windows of several other crewmembers.

He sat languidly in front of Marco's window once more while contemplating his options… or lack thereof. Ace passed his time idly these days, the world had changed a great deal in a short span of time. The ranks of the Shichibukai had shifted and now included Buggy, a former member of Roger's crew. The poor island where Akainu and Aokiji dueled had become an uninhabitable wasteland, marred by glacial ice on one side and flaming magma on the other. He had even been a bit sad when Aokiji left the marines after his loss. His old village was doing fine and Garp had taken well to his retirement. At some point, Ace had come to the realization that the old man was at peace with himself. Content in the fact that he would not have to helplessly watch if Luffy or Dragon were ever caught, that he would not be put in the same position he had been during Ace's execution. His attention was drawn back to the screen as a soft knock sounded on the door to Marco's room.

_"Come in." Marco called out gruffly. He put down the documents he had been pouring over as Izou and Vista entered. "What's wrong?"_

_ "We're worried about you is what's wrong." Izou stared him down unblinkingly before shaking his head sadly and taking a seat on the floor. The captain just raised in eyebrow in question._

"_Two more weeks and it'll be the anniversary of Pops' and Ace's death." Vista joined Izou after a slight pause._

Ace stiffened at Vista's words. Sure, he hadn't been counting the days since his apparent death at Marineford, but it was still a shock to hear that it's been nearly a full year. He stared miserably at Marco and saw the same sadness wash over the blond for a split second before the mask was back in place. It was not something either of them had wanted to be reminded of, but something at least one of them needed to come to terms with.

_Marco looked at his two commanders without any show of emotion. "We will be returning to the island to pay our respects."_

_ Izou rolled his eyes. "I know that. I'm worried about what you're planning to do after all that. We trust you, but that doesn't mean we're not worried about you. Marco, you can't continue on like this…"_

_ The blond didn't try to hide the confusion he felt this time and Vista looked decisively uncomfortable._

_ "Captain, I'm going to tell you this as your friend and this is the most honesty you will ever hear from me. We know you've been having a hard time, you can act like everything's perfectly well in the world, but we're neither blind or stupid. You're simply going through the motions of leading the crew and staying alive. You're not living your life, you're plowing through it like you can't wait for it to be over." Vista held his gaze throughout the speech. His tone was stern, but soft. "We can't help you if you wont let anyone behind that wall you've shut yourself behind."_

_ "Well, that's all we've come to say. I'll let the other commanders know the plans for the immediate future, but please, think about what we've said." Izou gave a small smile of encouragement before he and Vista left._

The crew stopped by the nearest inhabited island to gather provisions and restock their dwindling supply of food and booze before making their way to the graves. Everyone had fallen into a melancholic state as the date neared. It was two more days until the anniversary of their former captain and brother's death. Ace watched the going ons, but none of it felt real to him.

They docked Mocha and the paddle ships out of sight, hidden in a grove of trees on the side of the island. There were no marines patrolling the area, Sengoku had made his stance clear and his word held power even after the man's retirement. And Yonko Shanks's involvement with the erecting of the graves ensured that no pirate would dare try anything on the island either. The only visitors to the island had been mourners paying their respects, but it didn't hurt to be cautious. The whole crew gathered in front of the gravestones on the date of the anniversary, each one leaving a single bloom in front of the monuments. After the more formal proceedings overseen by the commanders, the men broke off into their own groups, to grieve, to reminisce about the past, or to drown their sorrows in drink.

The pirates stayed there for an entire week and the whole time, Marco never once left the immediate vicinity of the graves. Many of Whitebeard's old allies had come to visit in the duration the crew had been at the island. Some had even reaffirmed their allegiance to the new captain. Others, while no longer allies, agreed upon a lasting truce with the crew. Ace wandered from screen to screen to silently thank each of them.

All the while, Ace felt equally touched and disturbed by the show of affection by so many towards himself. That even after a year, so many were still openly grieving his death, and more so, no one blamed him for causing the tragedy that led to the death Whitebeard and so many of their friends and allies. It was another one of those times he felt like screaming at himself for not heeding Pops and Marco's warning. He had been too prideful, thinking that Teach would be a simple target for revenge.

Ace sighed and returned to Marco's screen. Despite everything, he still felt a little better when he's near the other. Even if the look of pain was so strongly evident in his once strong features.

_"You know, I can't decide if Ace would be pissed or depressed if he saw the way you've been acting." Izou smiled sadly as he sat down beside the blond._

_ "Knowing him, probably pissed then depressed." Marco replied, his voice a mixture of amusement and sorrow._

_ "I see you're feeling more like your old self."_

_ "I still can't believe it's been an entire year…" Marco smiled sadly. "It's hard to feel miserable for myself when I've got all of you running around needing to be cared for."_

_ Izou punched him in the shoulder lightly and rolled his eyes. "You, do not have enough seniority to be treating us like a bunch of brats."_

_ Marco quirked an eyebrow at him before turning pointedly to where several gatherings of men had either passed out cold or were generally intoxicated enough to be making a fool of themselves._

_ "…Okay, maybe just some of us." Izou let out an exasperated sigh._

Ace snickered as Izou left Marco by his lonesome to clear out the groups and get them back on the ship to sleep off their drunken stupor. He smiled softly as the blond moved to pour the two of them another round, wishing more than anything that he could reach across the chasm and accept the drink. To just tell him that he was there, that he wasn't alone, that he wouldn't leave his side again.

"Marco…"

He turned away sadly, it was too late for words now, too late to make amends, too late for regrets. _ I'm so sorry… _He listened with a torn heart as the blond recounted the changes that had occurred, his travels, the things he's seen, and most painfully, his pain and loneliness. Marco had made sure to skirt around the minute details, not knowing that Ace had seen first hand the suffering he endured alone. It was both comforting and soul rending. On one hand, it was as though Marco was really speaking to him, even pausing for his reply, one that he gladly gave even if it would never be heard. On the other hand, it was one more reminder that things would never be the same again, he could only imagine how hard it was for the new captain. He waited until Marco had returned to the ship before leaving the screen to think.

The Mocha Dick had been docked at the island for a while now and the crew would be setting sail soon. Ace knew Marco has his eyes set on revenge, he had admitted as much in their earlier conversation. But it required careful planning and a lot of patience, something the other man seemed to be running short on these days. He was anxious and the unease put the rest of the crew on edge. They were itching for a fight, a chance to set right the wrongs that had been done onto them.

It helped that the marines, for the most part, had steered clear of the Whitebeard crew. Although the silence from Akainu only added to the tension and Ace was sure the bastard was plotting something. Even if he hadn't seen any signs of it the few times he had gone to scrutinize the man. The calm times allowed the crew to gather their strength again and they had even picked up a few more members, some more willing than others. One in particular reminded Ace a little too much of himself when he had first boarded the Moby Dick and the resulting torrent of emotions scared him.

Ace forced himself to stay away from his former crewmates until he could calm down and chose instead to focus his attention on Luffy's progress. The young captain had made an unbelievable amount of progress in a short amount of time and already showed signs of mastering the emperor's haki. As he checked on his brother's companions, he found himself wishing them all a safe return to his brother.

Shabaody Archipelago was swarming with marines when word broke out that Straw Hat pirates were meeting up again after their two year absence. Ace watched eagerly as the events unfolded in front of him. The group had gotten much stronger in their two years of training and was able to safely set sail with the help of the trainers and friends they met along the way. He was happy for them, but couldn't help the feeling of dread that bubbled in the pit of his stomach. The group is finally setting sail for the New World. _This was the real start of the adventure, the real start of the fun..._ It was where he had met Jinbei and eventually joined the Whitebeard Pirates. It was also a place much more dangerous and treacherous than anyone could reasonably prepare themselves for. But he found that he wasn't particularly worried about his baby brother. Luffy had what it took to survive and the disposition to make good of his promise to become the Pirate King.

Two years and counting, Ace smiled sadly to himself as he remembered the crew's visit to Whitebeard and his grave a few weeks earlier on the anniversary. The island was just as deserted and the gravestones a little worse for wear than before, but that had been expected. Everyone brought a flower and sent their prayers to their Pops and him before moving off to mourn. The resulting party was far less dramatic than the year before in terms of the excessive drinking and tears that had been involved at least. He had loved that Marco had taken some time to talk to him alone again before returning to the others on the ship.

It was painful seeing the state Fishmen Island was in. The Whitebeard Pirates hadn't been able to reclaim some of the islands they had lost during the chaos following Whitebeard's death. The ones that had fallen to other Yonkos posed a special challenge. At least Big Mom was the better outcome since Shanks had no interest in claiming islands for himself. For the first time in two years, Ace spent most of his time keeping an eye on Luffy's window, only checking on Marco and the crew once in a while to make sure he wasn't missing anything life changing.

He only returned to his usual position in front of the blond's screen once Luffy set sail from Fishmen Island. It was nighttime and the crew was gathered on deck celebrating god knows what. Not particularly uncommon, but a much rarer occurrence than before. Ace whined sadly as he realized once more just how much he missed the company of his nakama and how much he hated being an outsider looking in. Rakuyo and Haruta were having their fun messing with their drunken crewmates while some other commanders drank with their divisions. Marco, Izou, and Vista were drinking quietly a ways off in a quieter part of the deck.

_"Do you ever think about finding a new lover?" Vista looked straight at his captain as he asked the question._

_ Marco blanched. "W-what?"_

_ "You know, open yourself up, live your life, be happy, and find love again." The large man spoke softly, quietly._

_ "I don't see you taking your own advice." The blond snapped._

_ Vista patted him lightly on the shoulder before replying softly. "I'm not the one that found love and had it torn away."_

_ Marco sighed, his eyes betraying the calm expression he wore. "I don't know… I'm getting too old for this."_

_ "Bullshit." Izou remarked from behind the pair. Marco looked at him disbelievingly and he only shrugged. "We had the exact same conversation before Ace joined us and you said the exact same thing back then too."_

_ The blond buried his face in his arms and mumbled bitterly. "Don't remind me…"_

Ace nearly choked on the breath he didn't realize he had been holding in. His eyes reflected the fear and dread that washed across his body. _No…_ Everything he had just heard, everything he had just seen, had him reeling in shocked horror. It wasn't that he never considered the possibility of Marco finding love in someone else's arms. But to actually hear it said made it much too real for him. He felt that disgusting selfish part of his mind surface once more and with it, the jealousy and anger. That horrible part of him whispered incessantly and cursed at the world.

"He deserves better than me…"

_But you don't want to let him go…_

"No! He- he deserves to be happy… just like Vista said…"

_But that's not what you want. What we want…_

"Stop it! I want Marco to be happy!"

_Even if it's with someone else? No… you want to be the reason for that happiness…_

It didn't matter that many years had passed since his death, that everything was different now. Ace continued to watch time pass by in the world outside his black prison. Luffy had been making his way through the New World steadily the last time he checked. The Whitebeard Pirates had made a splendid comeback under Marco's guidance and reclaimed their former title as a Yonko. He rarely left that particular window anymore, preferring to stay by former lover's side even as the blond remained oblivious to his presence. Even if he was only doing it out of selfishness.

Ace had found himself wondering more and more if Marco would really take another lover as a few of the other commanders have suggested. A part of him genuinely wished that he would just forget about him and move on with his life. Find happiness again. His death had been entirely his own fault and Marco deserved so much better in life. But another part, the greedy, ugly, petty, and disgustingly selfish part didn't want to be pushed aside and left behind. Didn't want to let go of the remnants of what he himself had long ago destroyed with his own hands. Ace hated everything about that hideous side of himself, but could not bring himself to let go.

He couldn't let Marco go. More and more, he longed painfully to be a part of the other man's life again. It tore his heart knowing that he was nothing more than a voyeuristic spectator, that all he could do was watch as the events unfolded before his eyes. He had no say in the matter, he had lost that privilege long ago.

But still he watched. Vaguely he had wondered if this torture would end if he could just bring himself to accept that he was truly dead and no longer a part of the others' lives.

But still he couldn't turn away. He knew it was just an excuse, as painful as it was, it was all he had left now.

And so he continued to sit idly in front of the windows watching the world he could never be part of again.

Longing for the love and affection that could never be his again.

* * *

**A/N:** That's it, the end. Yet another narrative of the post war scenario… I know Ace inherited the Will of D and accepted his death with a smile and all that, but that was only in regards to saving Luffy. I really don't think he could just give up everything he found in life, especially if he saw first hand the results of his actions. QnQ

Fun Fact: The title's inspired by a quote… and now I can't remember the quote or find it again… and it's driving me crazy…


End file.
